See Me, Cover Me: Full Heart Ranch Series #4 Page 18

  “Your mind is going a hundred miles an hour,” she went on. “Tell me what’s going on in there.”

  “I wish I could,” he said, his voice gravelly. He blew out a long breath. “I’m bad news for you, Izzy. No matter how you look at it, I’m bad news. I have secrets and baggage, and so much darkness, while you’re all sweetness and light.” He squeezed her hand. “If we aren’t careful, this—friendship—isn’t going to end well.”

  She stubbornly dug in. “If God thinks I can handle it, I’m going to trust that I can.”

  He frowned, wondering how she could be so matter-of-fact about it. They were opposites, couldn’t she see that?

  She tightened her grip on his hand. “I realize that saying all I have to do is trust God makes it sound like I’m treating this lightly, but I’m not. Truth is, I already like you way more than I should, and the longer you’re here, the deeper I’m going to feel. That’s pretty much a given. But honestly, Tanner, I do believe that something was meant to be between us. There’s no other explanation. One look in your eyes and I knew I needed to reach out.” She grinned at him. “It’s not just because you’re stunningly handsome, either.”

  Tanner couldn’t bring himself to buy it. “Why would God think I needed a little slip of a girl to disrupt my orderly life?”

  She shook a finger at him playfully. “God doesn’t think anything. He knows. It wasn’t just for you, He was looking out for me, too. I mean, who else would’ve helped me with my house buying decisions?”

  He gave her a small, apologetic smile. “I’m sorry, I just can’t quite believe it’s that simple.”

  “Because you don’t yet believe God cares about Tanner James,” she chided gently. “Do you remember the verse I sent you this morning?”

  He promptly recited it word for word, and her thrilled laugh made him feel guilty. It hadn’t taken much to learn it. Memorizing things was easy for him, plus it was a verse he’d heard before, probably in Sunday School when he was a kid.

  “That’s a great verse to memorize, because it tells it like it is,” Izzy told him firmly. “He loves us, all of us, so much that He sent his son to earth to take care of our sins. Jesus makes us good enough, and I’m so grateful for that clean slate.”

  Tanner put his empty mug on the small coffee table. “It’s not a new concept for me, you know. My grandmother was a staunch believer, and we rarely missed church and Sunday School. It’s just that I never got much out of it, and I don’t know how you can be so sure it’s all true.”

  Her eyes filled and she looked away, blinking rapidly to hold the tears at bay. After a moment she faced him again. “I know it’s true because He changed me. He changed my heart and my life so drastically—it’s like He filled all my empty spaces. I can’t explain it, other than to say I have a certain sense of contentment. Even on the bad days, I’m confident God will give me the strength I need to handle whatever I face. That’s such a relief to me, and it’s a completely different mindset than I had for the first twenty-three plus years of my life. I shudder to think of going back to the way things were.”

  Tanner felt her conviction and he was glad she’d found what she needed, but he couldn’t help but believe she’d also shudder if she knew the way things were for him, and not just in the past. His mind was full of things she’d shy away from. Dark things. Things he had to know in order to do his job and save innocent people from getting hurt by those who plotted against them.

  Just tools of the trade, right? All for the greater good, right?

  His jaw clenched. Yeah, it was actually. He fought evil so people like Izzy could live their lives free of the kind of fear radicals sought to control them with, and he wouldn’t apologize for it.

  Would she understand that, though? Would she still be convinced God cared about him if she knew what his life undercover was like? If she knew he had a good share of the Quran memorized, while knowing little about the Bible? If she knew he’d once had to stand by and watch a young man be gruesomely killed? Would she believe he would have gladly given his own life to save the kid, if there was even the slightest chance it would’ve made a difference? Would she understand he still agonized over that decision, and others since?

  “That mind is racing again,” she said softly, bringing him out of his head one more time and back to the conversation. “Are you sitting there thinking I’m deluded, claiming I’m a changed person?”

  “Not at all,” he said truthfully.

  “But?” She raised her brows knowingly. “I know there’s a ‘but’ coming, Tanner.”

  He shifted his position, turning toward her a little more and putting his arm along the back of the loveseat. “It makes me happy to know you found what you needed, Izzy, and it means a lot that you want me to share in that. I just don’t want you to take it personally if I don’t get there, okay? Giving me a clean slate would take a whole lot of effort on God’s part, and leaps of faith just aren’t my forte.”

  “That’s okay,” she countered with a sweet smile on her curvy pink lips. “Giving up easily isn’t mine.”

  He chuckled. “I know, you’ve proven that. I just don’t want to mislead you. Not in any way.”

  She sighed and curled her legs up beneath her. “I feel like you’re looking for reasons to crawl back into your shell, and I don’t want you to do that. I don’t want to stop being with you. Neither of us knows where this is heading, so let’s stop trying to anticipate every possibility and just relax and let it happen the way it’s supposed to.”

  He remembered the decision he’d come to last night, when he’d decided to give things a week and then reevaluate. Was that still the way to go? He looked at her closely, searching for any sign she wasn’t as comfortable with things as she was letting on.

  Her eyes were clear and hopeful, and so beautiful. Once again, he felt himself caving. “So we keep hanging out like we’ve been doing? See where it goes?”

  “You got it,” she said emphatically. “Hang out, take it a day at a time, and deal with whatever arises each day. We can do that, right?”

  “I dunno. I’ll let you know at the end of each day,” he teased.

  She chuckled. “I’ll take what I can get.” She pushed to her feet and pointed to the front door. “I’m afraid it’s time for you to scram now, though. I want to call Granny before she goes to bed and let her know I signed the contract.”

  He held out a hand and let her pull him up, grinning when she grunted with the effort. “Thanks for the coffee.”

  “You’re welcome. Shall I plan to cook tomorrow evening, or do you want to give the cafeteria another try?”

  “I’d much prefer eating with you. Plus, it’ll give me an excuse if Molly invites me over.”

  “Did you need an excuse today?” Izzy asked curiously as they walked out onto the front porch.

  “Yep. It worked out, though. I told her I was catching a ride into Barlow with a friend.”

  “See, that’s another reason to continue our friendship. I can run interference for you.”

  The moonlight lit her shiny blonde hair and made her eyes glitter as she smiled up at him. Desire hit hard. He tried to tell himself one kiss couldn’t hurt, but he knew better.

  As he battled his own desire, he watched her gaze drop to his mouth, her lips parting slightly as her breath quickened. She was feeling it, too. That need for a kiss in the moonlight.

  He couldn’t let it happen. Not tonight. She might think she was ready, but she wasn’t. Not with him.

  “Night, Izzy,” he said, wondering if she heard the regret in his voice.

  She blinked as the moment passed. “Good night. Sweet dreams.”

  Tanner walked off her porch. If he’d ever had a sweet dream, he certainly couldn’t remember it. Maybe that would change with Izzy in his life.

  CHAPTER 13

  Izzy: Good morning! Your verse of the day (because I know you’ve been waiting)……For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not
fear; I will help you. Isaiah 41:13

  BFF: Finally. Been waiting since six.

  Izzy: Sure you were. Have a good day!

  BFF: You too. See you this evening.

  Izzy smiled as she put her phone in her pocket. Tanner James was a complex man, but also an exhilarating one. And one who was proving totally impossible to get out of her head. She had never reacted so intensely to a man. She enjoyed his intelligence, his wit, and the humor that escaped when he let his guard down. She loved the rush she felt when he flashed that still rare but gorgeous smile at her. She positively craved the man’s company, and knew she’d be counting down the hours until dinner.

  Once again, her slow cooker was the appliance of choice for meal preparation. A nice, lean beef roast was already in the crock, and she mixed mushroom soup with onion soup mix and poured it over top. Simple and delicious. She would get a rice dish in the toaster oven as soon as she got home from work, and then steam some asparagus just before they ate.

  Hopefully she would soon have a real kitchen to cook in. Now that she had made up her mind to buy a house, she was impatient to get the deal done. The big question was, would Tanner still be around when she moved in?

  That unknown kept nagging at her. How long did they have? She knew she was falling for him in a big way, and she was pretty sure he was wrestling with similar feelings. They needed time, though. Time to build on what was already simmering between them. It was a given he had to leave, but a tiny, stubborn seed of hope insisted that being apart for a period of time didn’t necessarily mean things had to end. If they discovered they had something worth fighting for, couldn’t they pick back up where they left off when the FBI gave him another breather?

  She put the lid on the crockpot and turned the dial to the low setting, then grabbed her things and went out to her golf cart. Her mind stayed on Tanner as she drove to the gym. Was he anywhere near as attracted to her as she was to him? Last night when they were on her front porch, she’d caught herself gazing at his mouth, wondering what it would be like to kiss a man like him. When he’d said goodnight, she realized she’d been staring and quickly raised her eyes back up to his. For just a second she’d thought she saw a flash of desire in his own gaze, and he’d jammed his hands into his pockets like he might be trying to make sure he didn’t reach for her.

  It had passed quickly, and he’d left right after that. For that split second, though, Izzy was pretty sure he’d been thinking as hard about a goodnight kiss as she was herself. Maybe it was wishful thinking. Maybe it wasn’t.

  She shivered. Oh man. Wishful thinking or not, just the thought of him touching her made her feel weak. Everything about Tanner James drew her in, made her want to think long-term. If he was fighting his own desire to move their friendship into something deeper, perhaps something that could endure a separation, she definitely hoped he lost the battle. Because she was ready to give it a shot.

  Not that she had any illusions about it being easy. She’d never had a healthy, long-term, romantic relationship, and she didn’t know if he had either. He admitted to having baggage, as did she, and the fact that he didn’t share her faith was a big concern.

  Still, Izzy’s conviction that God had put him in her life for a reason gave her hope that it could work. She didn’t want to watch him walk away and not look back.

  ***

  After a long, super busy but good day at work, Izzy took a few minutes to meet with Spencer before calling it a day. She wanted to give him a chance to ask questions one-on-one, and give feedback about his experience so far. Also to assure him she was very pleased with his knowledge and the way he had already become a valuable part of the team. Such a smooth integration wasn’t always the case with interns, but Spencer was personable, capable, and he obviously loved what he was doing. The vets he was working with had all responded well to him so far, and Izzy was glad he had committed to a six-month internship instead of a shorter period of time.

  His competence would help ease the transition from Lowell to Greg, as well. The next thing their department would have to address was hiring another person to take Jolene’s place when hockey season started back up.

  The meeting was short but worthwhile. Spencer assured her he was loving every minute at the ranch, and the few questions he had were easily answered. Afterward, Izzy hurried home to work on dinner. On the way, Gloria called to let her know she had just found out the owners of the duplex were out of town until the next day, so she wouldn’t have an answer until then. That was disappointing news, but it was only a day. Izzy decided she would look at it as a lesson in patience—something she admittedly struggled with at times.

  Back at the cabin, she mixed rice and a bunch of other good things together and put the dish in the little oven, then showered and used a flat iron to tame her curls a bit. She decided to switch things up from her usual jeans to a casual skirt, then changed her mind and went back to the jeans. She didn’t want Tanner to think she was trying too hard. A pale pink, wrap-style top dressed the jeans up just enough—or was it too much? She firmly closed the closet door before she could second guess that too.

  Back in the kitchen area, she took a box from the cupboard, smiling as she read the directions. She’d slipped the cherry cobbler dessert kit into her shopping cart yesterday without Tanner noticing, and she couldn’t wait to surprise him with it. Since she only had the toaster oven to work with, she would have to wait until the rice was finished to bake it, but she could go ahead and prepare it, then cover it with foil so Tanner didn’t see it. It could bake while they ate the main course.

  With dessert made and hidden, she moved on to the asparagus. Steaming vegetables with just a hot plate and a steamer basket that didn’t fit very well onto her one large saucepan wasn’t the easiest, but Izzy would make it work. She’d just put the basket over the boiling water when Tanner knocked.

  She hurried the few steps to the door and swung it wide, catching her breath at the sight of him. How was it even possible he looked better every single time she saw him? Dressed in a navy tee shirt and faded jeans, his walnut brown hair still damp from the shower, with a couple of day’s worth of dark stubble shading his tanned jaw, the man was positively mouth-watering.

  They stared at each other for a long moment, then Tanner cleared his throat and Izzy quickly stepped back to let him enter.

  “Um, come on in. Dinner is almost ready. There’s lemonade in the fridge if you want to grab a glass. Or bottles of water if you’re not into lemonade.”

  He raised his face and sniffed appreciatively. “What smells so good? And how do you come up with these incredible meals when you barely even have a kitchen?”

  Izzy laughed, relaxing now that she could breathe again. “My crockpot and practice, but not for long, hopefully. Having a big kitchen is the biggest reason I want to get a house. I can’t wait to have a real stovetop and oven.”

  “Especially now that you’re cooking for two,” he said, slanting her a glance as he went to the fridge. “Any news on the duplex, by the way?”

  “No, the owners were out of town today and I guess their realtor couldn’t get in touch with them. Hopefully I’ll have an answer by this time tomorrow.”

  “The sooner the better. It’s a shame to limit your cooking skills to a hotplate and a crockpot.”

  It was the perfect opportunity to ask him whether he thought he’d be around to enjoy her new kitchen, but Izzy couldn’t get the words out. She knew why, too. It was because she was afraid of what his answer might be.

  She busied herself checking on the asparagus and getting out plates and silverware. He set the table while she took the tender roast from the pot and sliced it. When his back was turned, she took the rice from the oven and slid in the cobbler.

  A few minutes later they were seated across from each other at the table. Tanner bowed his head for her to say grace without her needing to remind him, and as he filled his plate she quizzed him on the verse of the day. Of course he recited it flawlessly once a
gain.

  “You’ve earned your dinner,” she told him with a grin.

  He raised his brows. “That’s all I have to do to get a feast like this? Memorize one verse? I think I’m getting the better end of the deal.”

  “This time, yeah, but I might decide to serve cereal tomorrow.”

  “That’s still not enough to send me to the cafeteria.”

  She was glad to hear he still felt that way, because ending her days with him was exactly what she wanted to do, for as long as she possibly could. “Did you have time for lunch today?”

  He nodded. “I wolfed down a sandwich.” He forked up another bite of beef. “This really is incredible. If you keep letting me come over, I’d better buy the groceries next time. I don’t want to take advantage of your generosity.”

  “It’s nice cooking for more than just me.” She smiled. “And I’ve told you before, you’re good company.”

  “Who knew?” he said wryly, making her laugh when he remembered how gruff he’d been in the beginning.

  “Did Molly invite you over again?” she wondered.

  He looked a little sheepish. “No. I saw her making her way through the stable area, but she stopped to talk to someone else and I kinda snuck out the back way.”

  Izzy pointed her fork at him. “You’re only putting off the inevitable. I know Molly, and she’s not going to give up.”

  He winced. “So what do you suggest I do? Tell her right off the bat I’m not interested in any kind of personal thing, or go over there for a meal and then tell her?”

  She ate a bite of rice and took her time chewing it. The thought of him in Molly’s house bothered her, but it wasn’t like she herself had a solid claim on him. Not yet anyway.

  “Maybe if you spend some time with her outside of work, you’ll realize you enjoy it,” she finally said, forcing herself to be fair to the other woman.